My 89-year-old mother lives three miles from my apartment. Although sweet, appreciative, cheerful and healthy, her memory and language acquisition skills have diminished tremendously. She eats dinner at our house every day, I do her laundry, take her to the hair salon, grocery store, etc. It is a drain and I am beginning to feel resentful. She will not do anything except watch a few PBS shows and “Jeopardy” reruns. Please help me find something for her to do. She does have an appointment for a geriatric doctor in a few weeks, but I need the help now. J.K.
You are describing a challenge with no easy solution. Here are two fundamental questions. To what extent is this a medical issue and to what extent it is a matter of choice, depression or motivation? It may be that your mother is doing the best she can do. It also might be that little is expected from her and she is fulfilling that expectation. An evaluation by a geriatrician will help shed some light on both of these questions as well as next steps.
Due to the pandemic, there are scarce person-to-person resources available. Under normal circumstances, a physician, social worker or geriatric care manager might recommend your mother attend a day-care center. These centers typically provide medical, rehabilitative and cognitive support services several hours a day, several days a week. Unfortunately, some have closed and others have shut down, leaving a family fewer places to turn. However, if your healthcare providers deem it appropriate, make some calls to check out ones near you.
There are several models with differing purposes.
To maintain: This model combines physical exercise with some limited skilled care. The goal is to improve one’s function, prevent deterioration and eliminate the monotony of daily life. It also is designed to prevent loneliness, isolation and withdrawal.
To be social: This model might be similar to a typical senior center that addresses social and emotional needs. It often provides counseling, group therapy and cognitive retraining particularly for older adults with dementia or psychiatric disorders.
To remain in your home: That would be the PACE model which stands for Programs of All Inclusive Care for the Elderly. It is designed for older adults who meet the criteria for admission to a nursing home but want to live at home as long as possible. The care team is multidisciplinary consisting of physicians, nurses, physical and occupational therapists, social workers, dietitians and drivers. The age requirement is a minimum of 55 years. Additionally, one must live in a state with an approved PACE provider, need nursing home level care and be able to live safely in the community using PACE services. Note PACE is only available in certain states. See PACE plan search for a location.
Also consider senior centers as an option. They address social, intellectual and emotional needs of older adults. Some have partially opened; again, check the ones in your area.
Faith-based organizations might be helpful in providing companionship and stimulation. Some have what is called a caring community that reaches out to individuals and families who have a loved one needing some caring engagement.
Now to some resources for you. Consider a caregiver support group. Check your local hospital. Feelings of burnout, stress and resentment often come with long-term support. A group can provide a forum to express yourself and also get some tips on ways to manage and cope.
To lighten the workload, think about getting some help for yourself. Perhaps you could hire someone to assist you in driving and household responsibilities of laundry and more. Meal preparation might be easier by ordering out; affordability is key.
Finally, of great importance is to take care of yourself. There is extensive literature on the impact of caregiving over a period of time and its effect on one’s physical and emotional health. And the impact is not good. Taking care translates to adequate sleep, good nutrition, physical exercise, engaging in stress reducing activities such as yoga and meditation and keeping up with your friends and family. Having a purpose outside your care support role helps.
J.K., thank you for sharing your experience and the challenge it presents. Hopefully after a geriatric assessment, you and your mother’s care team can develop a plan that works both for you and your mother. In the meantime, do take good care of yourself.
Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging, employment and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulagingCommunity
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How to get help to support an aging parent and find support for you, too - LA Daily News
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